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If we asked you to predict how long a new couple’s relationship would last, what would you look at? You’d probably start with how much they have in common, their respective life goals, how well they communicate, and so on. But there’s another major factor that predicts which relationships will succeed and which will fail: both partners’ self-esteem!
If you have low self-esteem, you might assume that it’s only harming yourself, but new research shows that’s not true. If one or both members of a couple have low self-esteem at the beginning of a relationship, that relationship is likely to be less satisfying and end sooner than a relationship where both partners feel secure in themselves.
On the flip side, people who have high self-esteem at the beginning of a relationship report higher relationship satisfaction, report less of a decline in happiness after the “honeymoon” phase ends and are more likely to stay in the relationship long term!
But where does this effect come from, and if you have low self-esteem, how can you turn things around in your own relationship?
In this article, we’re going to explore how low self-esteem affects romantic relationships! We’ll also look at some science-based tips for boosting your self-esteem in order to help you be the best partner that you can!
Want to learn MORE about how you can use neuroscience to become the best possible version of yourself? Join us at this weekend’s live Brain-a-Thon event—don’t wait: Book NOW!
“Self-esteem” is a common phrase, but what does it really mean?
Your self-esteem is your internal opinion of yourself—essentially, it’s how much you like yourself and whether or not you hold yourself in high regard. Confident, self-secure people have a healthy self-esteem: They have an accurate view of their abilities and feel positively about themselves!
Low self-esteem, on the other hand, is found in people who dislike themselves; who are overly anxious or hard on themselves; and who have a low opinion of themselves and their abilities. Someone with low self-esteem thinks of themselves as stupid, incompetent, and unlikeable—this affects how they operate in their day-to-day lives, including their relationship(s).
In many cases, low self-esteem is something that first appears in childhood. People who deal with bullying or trauma as children—especially if the bullying comes from their own parents—can grow up with low self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can develop insecurity and anxiety about relationships that extend into adulthood.
As children, we all develop an attachment style, which is determined by our personality, the way we’re treated, and the relationships that are modeled for us! A child with low self-esteem can develop an unhealthy attachment style in efforts to protect themselves emotionally from getting hurt. Even when that child grows into an adult, they may subconsciously continue the same thoughts or behaviors.
Below are two examples of attachment styles that develop in children with low self-esteem and how they manifest in adult relationships.
Pursuers are anxious that they aren’t meeting their partner’s needs or want to prove that they’re good enough to be with their partner. They may also be anxious that their partner will cheat on them or leave them.
Pursuers can be overly “clingy,” take innocuous statements like “I can’t call today because I’m busy at work” as a personal rejection, check up on their partners constantly, and pry when the partner doesn’t want to share something.
Overall, pursuers are trying so hard to keep their partners close that they end up pushing them away!
Distancers are anxious that they’ll get too close or emotionally attached to their partners and then get hurt as a result when (not if) their partner leaves. As a result, they actively work to prevent emotional closeness from developing in the first place.
Distancers find it hard to open up to their partners; may dismiss their partner’s feelings or needs inadvertently or on purpose; not ask too much about their partner’s life or interests; ignore their partner; or be closed off and irritable. They may also flirt with others or even cheat, as they’re trying not to become too invested in their own relationship!
In other words, distancers make their assumption their partner will hurt them a self-fulfilling prophecy by pushing their partner away!
As you can see from our discussion of attachment styles, there are a ton of ways that self-esteem can help, or hurt, a romantic relationship. Here’s a look at some ways that low self-esteem can affect how a couple interacts.
As we briefly mentioned above, a couple’s ability to communicate is a key predictor of their relationship success!
People also need to be able to open up to their partners about their problems in their relationships.
A key part of a healthy relationship is healthy boundaries. In order for a relationship to succeed, both partners need to be able to draw lines that the other can’t cross without trampling on their needs.
While looks aren’t everything, your partner’s level of attraction to you matters for your relationship satisfaction!
Having low self-worth can also hurt your partner’s mood: Who wants to be around someone who’s negative and down on themselves all the time?
Can you see any of these patterns manifesting in your own relationship? If you’re someone with low self-esteem, you might be tempted to start beating yourself up about it; instead, just read on for some tips on getting things back on track!
Want to learn more about how your incredible brain power affects your life in unexpected ways? Join us at the live virtual Brain-a-Thon event this weekend: Register TODAY!
So if you have low self-esteem, what can you do about it?
If you think you’ll never be able to boost your opinion of yourself, think again! Our brains are incredibly powerful but also incredibly trainable. With a little dedication, awareness, and practice, you can start boosting your self-esteem—and your relationship satisfaction—today!
Below are three ways you can train your brain to boost your self-esteem.
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you’ve probably been told to repeat “positive affirmations,” which are statements like, “I am a good person,” or “I am a competent worker” that you want to reinforce in your brain! Unfortunately, positive affirmations don’t work for everyone, so what’s the alternative?
Enter “directed abstraction!” This method aims to convince your brain you are a good, intelligent, and competent person instead of just drilling it in! The key is to add real-life proof to a positive affirmation.
Here’s some relationship-themed examples of directed abstractions you can affirm to yourself:
If you’re a person with low self-esteem, do you have low self-esteem in all aspects of your life or just certain ones? For example, are you confident at work but not at home with your partner?
This can be a sign that you need something other than what you’re getting to feel validated. When you have a moment, sit down and think about what makes you feel good about yourself—even if you only feel good for a moment!
For example, do you feel good about yourself when your boss acknowledges the extra work you put in? If you have low self-esteem, and if your partner doesn’t notice or thank you when you go above and beyond when planning a date or taking care of the house, that can lead to feelings of resentment!
If you think there’s some validation you’re missing in your relationship, try gently bringing it up to your partner at a time when neither of you are preoccupied. This is great practice for opening up and communicating as well!
Everyone compares themselves to others sometimes, so we’re not going to tell you never to do it—just to watch how and when you do it!
People with low self-esteem tend to compare their failures to others’ successes or their weaknesses to others’ strengths. If you notice yourself doing this, redirect by reminding yourself of your own successes and strengths! By doing this as often as possible, you can reinforce a new, healthy way of thinking instead of staying in the old rut of low self-esteem!
Interested in learning MORE ways to hack your hidden brain power? Register for the free Brain-a-Thon virtual training session this weekend! Spots are filling up, so book NOW!
Everyone has something they dislike about themselves, but if your low self-esteem is starting to harm your relationship, it’s time to do something about it! Luckily, by training your brain to turn your thinking around, you can get your self-esteem, and your relationship, back on track in no time.
If “training your brain” appeals to you, why not look into Innercise™ ? Innercise™ is a neuroscience-backed way to train your brain, developed by Neurogym’s own John Assaraf with the help of top experts in the field!
If you want to hear even MORE about how you can take control of your brainpower to improve your life, why not join us at this weekend’s live Brain-a-Thon to hear it from the experts? Book your spot TODAY!
